I like discounts but I don’t like being discounted. That’s why I’m letting it be known here and now I’ve not only graduated, I’ve gravitated towards a new classification. Enough word play? Ha! Ask ChatGPT for that kind of linguistic gymnastics.

So yes, I’m at a certain age where I’m offered, and happily accept, so-called “senior discounts.” Might be a buck or two, but I’ll take it, because who wouldn’t accept even a minimal deal?

But here’s my deal, and I offer it to all of you who spent enough time on Mother Earth to be called a “senior.” It’s time to graduate to another, higher, more meaningful and inclusive grade level.

We used to call dumb guys who got left back in 12^th grade as “super seniors.” Well, I believe if you’ve made it past the years of toiling for a paycheck, shelling out for child care, college, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and are onto enjoying whatever years you’ve got left in the tank, you’re pretty freakin’ super, but not stagnated as a “senior.”

Oh no. Considering all our experiences, insights, challenges faced and met, wisdom and matchbook collections we’re beyond “senior moments.”

Despite whatever wounds we’ve suffered, setbacks faced, enemies battled, in-laws tolerated, we survive and thrive through the ongoing wars of life.

That’s why I will now be known not as a senior citizen but as a “LIFE VETERAN.” Battle-hardened but not hard-bitten, still fighting the good fight from the comfort of my laptop and patio.

Oh, we life veterans have plenty left to give. Always ready with an anecdote we’ve told a million times, advice based on our decades of having gone through the same shit as “lower classmen and women”–those are people who, until this writing, may have aspired to graduate as senior citizens.

I will also suggest a special branch of the VFW where that acronym stands for Veterans For Wisdom. A place we can gather, bullshit to each other over cold longnecks and trade, yes, bits of wisdom based on experiences from our earlier lives. Never too late to learn.

AARP, take notice. I know you’ll accept anyone 50 and over for membership. 50? Those are still kids. Life veterans still wear Dockers that are older than 50. Yes, we’re in our own graduate-level class and quite satisfied.

What’s the age level to be classified as a life veteran? There is none. You’ll know it when you qualify. You look down. You’re wearing slip-on Skechers. It’s the uniform. Life veterans—wear it proudly—you’ve earned the right not to bend…and a senior discount.