Random EDlines 2015 Predictions Edition

  • A major ballot issue among the Amish will be same hex marriage
  • It will take only two shows to discover there never was a real Stephen Colbert, but rather a guy named Morty Schwartz impersonating a Catholic dude impersonating a conservative talk show host. Word!
  • CNN will change its format to 24-hour continuous tittering by Anderson Cooper.
  • Fox News will update its long-fraudulent slogan to “Scared and Imbalanced.”
  • MSNBC plans no changes since it has no viewers
  • Longtime viewers of HGTV’s “House Hunters” will revel in the first murder of an obnoxious couple by a real estate agent, leading to a wildly popular spinoff “Love Them or Waste Them.”
  • The Weather Channel will finally throw in the towel with the new series, “Just Look Out the Freakin’ Window.” It will score its highest ratings in years.
  • NASA will suffer a major embarrassment when it triumphantly announces it has discovered life on Mars, only to be told the agency’s big telescope was focused on Mars, PA, a suburb of Pittsburgh, population 1,686. Guess whose planet will be looking red?
  • Shirley MacLaine will cap off an amazing career by recording duets with her other selves.
  • Taylor Swift will break up with her other selves and sell 3-billion records singing about it.
  • One of Taylor Swift’s other selves will record a rebuttal song but unimpressed consumers will shake it off.
  • One of the biggest movies of the year will involve a plot to end Seth Rogan’s career.
  • Arianna Grande will reach her adult height of two-feet, six-inches and be tragically swallowed by Nikki Manaj during an especially vibrant performance of “Bang Bang.” Jessie J will feel left out.
  • The Nobel Peace Prize will be given to CNN for ending the irrelevant war of words called “Crossfire.”
  • “The View” and “The Voice” will merge, renamed “The Void.”
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