Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! People can be such sheep. I realize I’m going to stir up some deep-seated beliefs here but I’m going to come right out and say it: I’ve done a comparison test of which the results may surprise some, be considered heretical to others, and to a very special few, admired as utterly heroic.

I’ll just come out and say it. I prefer Whataburger over In-N-Out. There. I said it and I won’t take it back. Ever. I came to know Whatatburger back in late 1970’s when I lived in Tucson, Arizona and became reacquainted with the chain after a couple of recent assignments in Texas. The most recent, this weekend’s trip to Dallas where I stuffed a delectable double bacon-cheeseburger through my pie hole.
For years I’d been listening to people have oral orgasms over In-N-Out and read stories that would award the chain the Congressional Medal of Cheap-o Comestibles. By the time I finally tried one of their vaunted Double-Doubles and a shake I fully expected to have to smoke cigarette  afterwards and call the store the next morning to thank it for a good time. But I didn’t. It was fine. It was fast food, the store was congested, not that clean, I waited forever for my food and smoking’s bad for you anyway.

My last two trips to Whataburger were completely different. I don’t smoke but in expectation of perfection imagined myself the Marlboro Man about to leave the joint with a satisfied swagger. I wasn’t disappointed. The food was delivered quickly by a very courteous server, the burgers cooked just right and about the thickness that said “chomp down boy, this is gonna put a shiteatin’ grin on your face.” It did. While many of you know I lead a condiment-free life, I couldn’t help but be impressed that, not once, but twice, a server came around with a tray bearing pods of every variety of ketchup and mustard worthy of sitting on a Whataburger, which my co-diners pounced upon anticipating a condiment high.

Oh..did I mention Whataburger’s onion rings? Now I did. Crispy and just the right ratio of grease and actual onion. Fries? Ha! I fie on your fries!

Now I realize you In-N-Out sheep who coo over their private stock of burger meat on the hoof and the imagined perfection of their discs of meat patties may unfriend me on Facebook or launch other such social sanctions, but will not retreat on iota. Oh In ‘n Out is fine ‘n dandy, but as the old commercial  by the late Mel Tillis once pronounced, “It’s more than a hamburger…it’s a HAM-burger!” Watch.