There’s no crying in retirement


Why do people cry when they announced their retirement? I suppose I can understand overpaid athletes who will miss playing “the game,” their teammates and exorbitant paychecks. For the rest of us, it’s not gonna happen. Didn’t happen for me last week. Oh, I’ll miss my wonderful teammates, but honestly, would I cry about not having just a couple of more hours behind my desk, pine about not being lobotomized at still another meeting, receiving an email from someone asking me to do something they are more than capable of doing? I can see it now. A tearful retirement announcement going something like this: “(sniff, sniff) I announce my retirement today from Blodgett Bullshit Ltd. and it’s still hitting me that within a couple of days I will have filed my last BBSLTD BS Report, completed my last expense report, attended my last stiff, er, staff meeting and eaten my last portion of greasy chicken tenders from the company cafeteria. It’s a hole that I can’t imagine could be filled anytime soon with free time allowing me to pursue my personal interests since I long gave those up in order to work overtime. I suppose my family will be happy to see more of me, but honestly, when I’m home they generally decide it’s time for ‘individual pursuits’ leaving me to read the ingredients on boxes of colonoscopy prep substances. Aw…hell, I’m happy as hell to logout, punch out, run outta here as fast as I can and find out what this thing they call fresh air and exercise is all about!”

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