I’ve been choking on my Sunday morning oatmeal reading blasphemous blather in the Detroit Free Press decrying one of my favorite warm weather garments as, “dumpy and dorky, silly and bulky.” It’s all in the context of what clothes guys shouldn’t wear if they want to charm women into dating them this summer.

I do not want to charm any women into dating me but I do want to charm my attractive wife of almost 45 years into not averting her eyes or wearing an “I’m with dumpy and dorky” t-shirt when we’re together in public.

In fact, when discussing this post with her, she assured me that I look just fine in cargo shorts. Who else looks just fine in cargo shorts? My daughter, in her late 20’s, assures me “Survivor” host Jeff Probst is definitely “hot” in his cargo shorts. I imagine he hides dozens of disgusting bugs and Kit Kat bars with which to torture and entice starving “Survivor” contestants, which just proves how both stylish and utilitarian they can be.

Let me continue my defense of the demeaned garment by pointing out the author’s assertion that “the shorts are completely inauthentic in that nobody, except maybe MacGyver or Indiana Jones, needs that many pockets and the men who insist on these shorts are, alas, neither,” is just as inauthentic.

I can’t even count the number of times my wife will ask me “honey, do you have any galvanized nails on you? I need one to repair one of my patio planters.” Are you kidding? I almost have to smoke a cigarette with satisfaction after fishing deep into one of my cargo shorts’s 9 pockets and coming up with a handful of various gleaming fasteners and asking her, “sure honey. what size?” Gonna be a big night.

I’ve worn cargo shorts on several assignments when covering floods or some other natural disaster in warm weather. It’s like having a cotton filing cabinet attached to your butt. Pens, pencils, pads, business cards, tissues, sunglasses, smartphone, half a donut…all arranged perfectly in my awesome cargo shorts’s pockets. I especially love it when my shorts have one of those deep, deep pockets. They always remind me of one of my late, funny father’s favorite putdowns regarding cheap guys. “Ha! He’s got short hands and long pockets!” I make sure I keep my spare change in those pockets.

While I’m definitely not the target audience for the Free Press story, I would maintain the writer missed an important point. Cargo shorts are perfect for young, horny guys. Do you know how many condoms you could stash in those things? Think outside the box, madam reporter, will ya?

I’m proud to say I own at least four pair of cargo shorts, thanks to the huge selection one can find in total testosterone places like Cabelas and Bass Pro Shops. They offer so many varieties of cargo shorts you could stock your entire closet with them. Hey…they even sell long pants that convert to cargo shorts when you unzip the bottom portion of each leg..so ..you can effectively wear cargo shorts all year long. 

Don’t listen to the naysayer’s guys. Cargo shorts are manly as hell. Put on a pair. You’ll soon have the object of your affection, right in your deepest pocket.