Are you excited about the upcoming solar eclipse? I am, because any time it’s dark enough to take a nap during the day without closing the curtains, I’m all for it.

I understand hotels, motels and airlines are taking advantage of people who are generally in the dark by hiking rates and fares to areas where you can experience the total effect of the eclipse.  Anyone falling for that highway robbery deserves to have their lights out.  Not me. I understand that in Michigan where I live, I’ll be able to experience some degree of darkness and that’s pretty much all I need. You see, you can get the same experience of a large body blocking the light by walking behind the typical Walmart customer. Just make believe their butt crack is one of those “canals” they think are on Mars.

Personally, I enjoy the talk about eclipses because I like the words “umbra” and “penumbra.” You don’t get to use them very often because we most often opt for the more common “shadow”  or “whoa! It’s freakin’ dark!”

If I still lived in NYC I might grab a spot on 8th Avenue and set up shop hawking special total eclipse “PenUmbraEllas!” After all, you don’t wanna get any of those dark shadows falling on your head before ducking into the subway, or a Shake Shack. New Yorkers love to buy crap from guys on the street with merchandise piled in large cardboard boxes, especially if you tell them it’s been “imported from Miami Beach.”

I think I’ll just sit on my deck, which faces the woods, crack open a Summer Shandy, and wait for something spooky to emerge, like a guy wearing spats, every once in awhile yelling to the moon, “down in front! Can’t see the sun!” And sure enough, it’ll take one small spin for mankind..and move its cratered ass.