Vacation’s a Chore

Call me crazy but during my week off I planned to completely waste it with yard work, tidying up my garage and taking both vehicles in tocircumvacation have their tires rotated and wheels aligned. You can tell I’m a total “good time boy.” I even had designs on going all out by dropping some turf builder on the brown area behind my house some might call a lawn and then shooting for the moon by cleaning my gutters.
Oh you may think that’s a hell of a way to spend precious time away from the office that would be better spent with my family at say a water park or all-inclusive resort. To be completely succinct and transparent, I’d just as soon liquify my eyeballs with a propane torch than torture my loved ones and myself by exposing them to venues that include screaming, wet children being ignored by parents who are blasted on frozen margueritas while nurturing melanomas courtesy Old Sol.
That’s not to say I don’t like to get away during my time off. I just don’t like to get away to places where other people are going. A nice kayak paddle on a remote river or a bike ride through the woods or even lunch at a Burger King, where you will run into absolutely no one.
But alas my best laid plans were dashed by days spoiled by rain and fog precluding the yardwork and making the garage too damp to work in. I can still take the cars in for service but it’s near the end of the week and I don’t want to waste what vacation I have left in the waiting room that smells of fresh rubber and crappy coffee.
I’ve tried to forget about work but work keeps calling me and emailing me thinking my email out-of-office message is a lingering April Fool’s joke. I wish there was a way to program a follow up that says, “hey moron, can’t you read? You’re dead to me until next week.”
I hear the rain will pass and I may yet get to take care of those chores. I hope so. Because I can’t wait for someone to give me a pathetic look of sympathy when I reply to their insincere query as to what I dod on my vacation. I might wipe that assholierthanthou look on their face by shaking my head and remarking, “I hope you spend your next vacation at Splash City. Bring the Xanax.”

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