I’m not one for looking back at the outgoing year and not naïve enough to think I can predict what will happen in the incoming trip around the sun. What I do spend a lot of time thinking about is that 60 second period between the Times Square ball starting its descent and the moment it hits bottom marking the new year. It’s the purgatory of time. I call it New Years Eve-entually. Yeah, sure, the old year is in its final seconds but let’s face it, you said sayonara to that after seeing the first promo for Kathy and Anderson’s Obnoxin’ Eve. The new year isn’t quite there but that’s where your head is.  So what thoughts do you cram into those 60 seconds as the old year dies and the new one’s head is popping through?

Here’s my list:

1-I know New Year’s Rockin’ Eve is pre-recorded which makes it more horrifying that someone at the network could view it first and still air the program.

2-If Donald Trump is elected President I’m glad he’s still not married to Marla Maples because that’s an OK name for a Sesame Street character or someone from Vermont, but not for a First Lady

3-Is the guy standing next to me smoking a joint or do his clothes naturally smell like a decomposing stoat?

4-Why don’t they ever make the Times Square ball look like a butt so when it reaches bottom it looks like it’s sitting down?

5-I would like to begin all staff meetings with 3 minutes of thumb wrestling

6-What if the Earth became bored with orbiting the Sun and spent 2016 making the circuit of Bed, Bath and Beyonds? I’d like that because I have about 50 of those 20 percent off coupons.

6a-Will a certain singer take over store chain listed above and change the name to Bed, Bath and Beyonce?

7-If you hug Eminem too tightly, would he melt in your hands?

8-Scientists reveal the syndrome known as “affluenza” is really a strain of “assholyness.”

9-It would be more fun if hurricanes were named after farm animals. Wouldn’t you love to see the headline, “Hurricane Hog Slops Across East Coast.”? “Hurricane Chicken Gooses Bahamas.” ?

10-Time’s almost up. How fun would it be if the ball got stuck an inch from the bottom leaving us temporarily parked between the past and the future meaning we’d live in the “now”, enjoying the “moment,” savoring it, without regrets about what we’ve already done or frets about what’s to come?  That’s the way to start a happy new year!

Happy New Year to all of you!