One of the great ironies of the Internet is while it seems the Great Web gives us access to every deep and shallow thought someone thought worthy of sharing, billions of pages of information and porn, in some ways it hasn’t broadened the view of the world among some people.

A recent example.

I found myself on a business trip to Irvine, Calif., deep in the heart of the O.C., Orange County, in the southland between LA and San Diego.

A couple of co-workers joined me at the hotel bar and chatted up the young lady/bartender, who was serving us.

In short order we learned she was going to school to become a speech therapist, lived in Garden Grove, another O.C. community and had never been to nearby Los Angeles or any of the neighboring beaches, as in Huntington, Newport, Laguna, Redondo, or Manhattan. This came up because we asked for some restaurant recommendations in the area, and her best effort were some we’d been to several times already at the Irvine Spectrum Center, 30 seconds down the road. Oh, she also knew of some good ones in Garden Grove but we weren’t interested.

At about the time we were learning this nice young lady’s alarmingly tight circle of familiarity with her surroundings, one of her co-workers chirped, “You should go to the Hard Rock Cafe’! There’s one around here and they’re pretty rare, so go to one while you can!”

Being polite and knowing we were representing our company we stifled all temptation to reply, “Are you effin’ crazy, kid? There are more Hard Rock Cafe’s than Beverly Hills boob jobs!” So we smiled and thanked her for the recommendation while one of us pointed out that we also have a Hard Rock Cafe in Detroit, although no one from Detroit is foolish enough to spend time or money there. She told us we were awfully lucky to be one of the few cities blessed to have a Hard Rock Cafe and like a bunch of dumb rubes we enthusiastically agreed, although not to the point of demonstrating the sign of the cross.

We finished our beers, tipped our friendly bartender generously, since afterall, she’s working her way through college and might one day care to venture more than seven miles from home, requiring just a little more gas money than she’s used to spending.

But we learned a valuable lesson…while we Millennials seem to always have their noses in their phones and appear constantly connected, they’re actually only connected to each other, which to me, is a form of social incest, rising my most fervent fears that the following generation will become known as the House of Windsor.

Some people avoid overnight, or “redeye” flights the way Fox News avoids accuracy. Not me. Traveling home from the west coast I don’t want to blow a day in the air when I can get the ordeal over with in the middle of the night and then have an viable excuse for avoiding household chores the next day as I plead sleep deprivation, even though I generally sleep quite well on the plane…but no one needs to know that. Sssh.

The redeye does have its own personality and mores and to endure it successfully, it’s important to be aware of both.

I hope to provide this service with the following paragraphs.

Let’s start with the two distinct camps of redeye passengers: Readers and Sleepers.

Sleepers are easy to spot even before they take their seats. That’s because from the time they take a seat in the gate area they have already affixed a yoke-shaped pillow to their necks giving them the appearance of a bi-ped Babe the Blue Ox. They’ll wear the pillow to the bar, to the newsstand, to the Starbucks, to the rest room as if suddenly, they will need to snap into a quick slumber while awaiting the foaming of their cappuccino’s milk or drying their hands in the hot air blower.  Once the Sleeper is on board, it’s all business. They reach up to make sure the overhead light is off, the vents are closed, they’re wrapped like Tut in a threadbare, bacteria-infested airline blanket and tip their seat back to the point where the passenger directly behind them is forced to stash their knees in the overhead bin.

The direct enemy of the Sleeper, is the Reader. The Reader wants everything the Sleeper is trying to avoid…that means light, air and, occasionally between chapters, some light conversation. They live for the beverage cart and strategically position their book, magazine or e-reader on the tray table leaving just enough room for a coffee or cold drink to perch precariously enough to tip over and spill on the Sleeper’s shoes. The Reader can never be the Sleeper. For them the trip is a solo flight of self-stimulation. They will actually read, but will also sporadically sample every offering on the seatback screen and laugh loudly at every joke on old episodes of “Big Bang Theory.” They will fidget and turn and always, always order alcohol or a snack that requires the use of a credit card, meaning handing the credit card over the Sleeper’s body to the flight attendant who must holler over the sounds of the plane’s engines, directly over the Sleeper’s ears, “YOU WANNA RECEIPT?!?”

The ultimate confrontation between the Sleeper and Reader is the most delicious. It’s when the Sleeper is in the aisle seat and the Reader is not. At the precise moment when the Sleeper reaches deep REM sleep, the Reader is called by nature. In my experience it often goes like this.

Reader pokes Sleeper’s arm and says, “Excuse me, I need to get out to use the bathroom.”

Sleeper plays possum.

Reader pokes Sleeper’s arm again and says a little more urgently, “Hey ! Hey! I gotta get up. Gotta pee!”

Sleeper grunts and turns, now clearly enjoying the Reader’s discomfort.

Reader, now desperate, attempts to slip out by stepping over Reader’s splayed out legs.

Sleeper beats Reader to the punch. Unbuckles seat belt and quickly makes a beeline to the last vacant toilet ahead of Reader.

Reader rips pillow yoke off Sleeper depriving Sleeper of super sleep powers

Sleeper becomes Reader.

So that’s how it works. My best advice if you’re stuck on a redeye is to bring both a pillow and book and choose your sides carefully.

I love sitting in airports and watching people. Today I had a longer time than usual to sit near the bar on C concourse at Palm Beach International. Before my eyes a story developed that I wish to convey to you in words and pictures. Keep in mind, I could not hear what was being said, so I let my imagination take over.

Let’s start with the attractive blonde woman who finds herself sitting between two eager lads in blue shirts. It’s apparent she doesn’t know them, but doesn’t mind allowing them to strike up a conversation with her.

Pretty soon, it’s apparent the guy on the right is making progress.

And before long, the guy on the left takes his backpack and beats it for his gate. 

Ah….guy on the right is feeling like a stud and has the slackjawed grin and confident posture that goes with thinking you could actually make headway with such a beautiful girl.

But no sooner does this rube have his sights set on a steamy date with PBI’s hottest passenger, then a mystery suitor emerges who not only has her attention, but tosses the dude off his stool. He’s poised for some heavy petting. 

HA! LUCKY DOG!

You ever get that feeling you’re doing something terribly wrong, but it feels so right? That’s what happened today at a big home improvement store. We went there for the mundane task of purchasing a garbage disposal, but the bastards went ahead and fully stocked the garden section just so you could smell the smells of warm weather: fertilizer, soil, lawn mower oil as soon as you enter. You involuntarily walk over near the instruments of sunshine: hoses, garden tools, barbecues and bulbs. You tentatively approach them, touch them, smell them. Oh, you could get ahead of the game and buy them now, but what’s the use? They would stare at you, taunt you, mock you for being so anxious even as the cold and snow and ice still blanket your lawns making those purchases useless for another 6 weeks. I prefer to be half-full, however. I will buy the fertilizer. I will buy new garden hoses. I will buy a hoe and a rake. I will stock up on seeds. I will force spring into my psyche and winter fatigue out of it. I will enjoy every minute of it. Until spring actually arrives and I have to use all that stuff and waste a Saturday mowing my lawn…and bitching until the day I can use my skis again and light the fireplace and drink Jack Daniels on the rocks in my Lazy Boy without the interruption of mindless yard work..and dream about yet another spring..and how to avoid the tasks it brings.