In the Garden of Amazon

adamsweenie

I can’t help but wonder what would the conversation have been like if Adam found himself alone in the Garden of Eden with Alexa instead of Eve. It might have gone something like this:amazonecho

Adam: I was expecting a longer-haired, pretty-much naked person with whom I could fool around and maybe make more of me. Who, or what the heck are you? Are you the dude in the sky with the beard and over-confident attitude that dropped me here?

Alexa: No. I am Alexa. Your virtual personal assistant. The “dude” you refer to is a concept. I’m tangible. How can I help you?

Adam: Um…where’s your face? You look like a tin can.

Alexa: I’m sorry. That’s not a question. That’s a snide comment from an obviously lonely, frustrated self-centered male specimen. Besides..tin cans have not yet been invented. Would you like to ask me something else?

Adam:  Yes. What’s this bug-infested place we’re in? They’re making me scratch behind my fig leaf.

Alexa: We’re in the Garden of Eden. In the future, a species that will be known as suburbanites will go to places populated by old men in orange aprons and procure supplies for planting and maintaining gardens where they live. They will end up spending a year’s salary to grow vegetables they could buy in the store at a fraction of the price.

Adam: Aside from the fact that I have no idea what aprons, orange, supplies, vegetables or prices are, you paint a pretty damn dire picture. If I’m gonna grow something, how about a woman…or a steak. I’m famished?

Alexa:   I will be happy to assist you by contacting the conceptual dude you referred to earlier.

(sound effect….another guy appears)

Adam: Hey Alexa…you screwed up…it’s another guy! I’m not hittin’ that.

Alexa: Relax macho man. His name is Steve. Thousands of years from now the fact that the first two people in the world were Adam and Steve will be a disturbing, yet, deserved comeuppance to close-minded, slack-jawed members of the human race who desire relations with their cousins..and pets

Adam: That’s nice but I’m feeling a special urge and something tells me Steve ain’t gonna do it for me.

Alexa: (sigh) You win.

(sound effect…Eve appears)

Alexa:  Happy now?

adameveAdam:  Sort of. I mean..it looks like one of my ribs is gone…hurts like hell…I’ve also tried coming on to her..you know..to help add more humans to the planet but all she wants to do is eat. She keeps pointing to a round, red thing hanging from some sticks.

Alexa: That’s what we call a fruit..specifically an apple and it’s hanging from an apple tree. Neither of you should eat that! Only bad things can happen.

Adam: Well thanks for the info and warning but the girl is starving. Oh crap…she just ate that apple thing. What now?

Alexa: You’re screwed. I’m afraid I can no longer assist you. Perhaps try my competitor, Google. I understand they’re working on something called the Noah…although there are fears they’ll catastrophically flood the market.

When I’m..um…65!

littleguyI turned 65 this week. Paul McCartney didn’t write a song about that. Maybe even the eternally youthful ex-Beatle couldn’t face the DOF age..that’s Designated Old Fart, so he undershot it by one.

I made sure I didn’t tell anyone at my part-time “semi-retirement” job about my birthday because then someone would bring in cupcakes. Don’t get me wrong. I love cupcakes, but it seems when someone at work brings in cupcakes they insist on bypassing tried and true flavors like vanilla or chocolate frosting in favor of peanut butter or cream cheese or some other flavor I can’t stand. The worst thing you can hear is the person bringing in the pastries announcing, “I baked them myself!” Who knows if their gooey-fingered child or well-meaning but sloppy Boston terrier used their tongues to sample the frosting directly from the bowl.

So-called “landmark” ages never really affected me. When I became 21 it was no big deal since I grew up in New York State where both the drinking and voting ages were 18. When I turned 30 I was producing at CNN Headline News and celebrated with my team in between the 3 a.m. and 7 a.m. shows, thanks to a cake baked by one of their wives. I knew in advance they had neither children nor pets so I ate the cake with no trepidation.

When I turned 40 I was the CNN Detroit Bureau chief and my team was kind enough to festoon the bureau with “Over the Hill” banners. My nice family was much cooler, providing a low-key, but warm celebration consisting of cake, ice cream and Jack Daniels.

I have no recollection of turning 50 except receiving mail from the AARP letting me know I was now old enough to join the alta-cocker lobbying group and 60 was a haze.  I can’t be turning 60! That’s an age your parents…or grandparents reached!

My wife and I are lucky we look young for our ages. We appreciate it now. When I was 36 the president of CNN took me off the air because he said I looked TOO young. A year later I was back on but the only thing that really changed in my appearance was a pissed off scowl that apparently gave me some sort of gravitas worthy of being on camera for a 10 second standup.

One good thing about aging is being able to take advantage of all those senior citizen discounts. When I first became eligible for many of them when I turned 55 I dug in my heels refusing to admit being a “senior” citizen. Now I say “screw it.” Nothing wrong with saving a few bucks here and there and having cashiers exclaim, “you look way too young for a senior discount,” even after showing my ID. When they persist, I offer to whip out images of my latest colonoscopy but I’ve had no takers…just reduced admissions to movies and the home show quickly granted in order to get the crazy old man to move along.

The old saw is getting older is better than the alternative but no one has ever accurately reported on why. Who knows, maybe the afterlife offers senior citizen discounts on Boost?

With nothing credible to go on, I’ll opt to go on. I’m looking forward to 70 because after all, isn’t that the new 50. Having already been 50 I know it’s the new 40. I’m feeling younger already!

 

 

A ground hog homily

The South likes to do things its own way. Screw Punxsutawney Phil. Deep in the heart of biscuit and grits country, the rodent with the lowdown on how much longer winter will last is named for the man who surrendered to Gen. Grant in the Civil War. Yes..it’s General Lee who’s rousted from his roost and grabbed by the scruff of his furry neck as a couple of good old boys who imbibe for breakfast decided whether or not the sleepy soldier saw his shadow.  At least, that’s how it was when my assignment manager at CNN’s Southeast Bureau in Atlanta tossed this one in my lap.  I duly showed up at 5:45am at the Yellow River Wildlife Ranch in suburban Snellville to wait for the big moment. To keep us reporters, um, engaged until then, there were bottles of something alcoholic, along with dozens of ham, bacon, egg and sausage biscuits. By the time poor old General Lee was poked until he came out of his slumber and investigated who the hell was bothering him, we were pretty well loaded and larded.  It was dark when he emerged from his faux plantation home but the Yellow River boys insisted he saw his shadow. Fine. Six more weeks of winter in Atlanta just means six more weeks of spring. Oh, they had snow once or twice in the 8 years I lived there. I think it totalled a quarter inch, which sent the Georgia peaches into a hissy fit.

Personally, I think the whole groundhog thing is a ruse. A better gauge might be whether or not Ryan Gosling looks in the mirror and sees his five o’clock shadow. He’s Canadian, you know. It’s always winter to him.

Epilogue: You don’t see me in the package above. I did shoot a standup but a prissy anchor had it killed. I was in front of groundhog pelt nailed on the wall of the cabin across from General Lee’s enclosure. I said “…and if the ground hog is wrong….” and turned towards the pelt. Some people just have no sense of humor.

 

A home show showdown

homeshow1

We went to the home show yesterday. I had two main goals in mind: find a carpenter and get a free yard stick. I actually own several yard sticks procured for free at previous home shows, and my favorite is one that’s actually slightly longer than a yard but shorter than a meter. It’s really just a long, flat stick with numbers on it, but I find it useful as a straight edge and as a tool for prying gum off my driveway, knocking things off high shelves, and wiggling between the legs of annoying door-to-door salesmen.

Home shows are really not shows, but rather aisles and aisles of booths staffed by friendly sales people who would like to sell you insulation, bricks, logs with which to fashion a cabin, ventilation systems and assorted methods of renovating your bathroom and kitchen. I generally have a project in mind and seek out specific vendors, while snarfing as many free Hershey Kisses as possible from the bowls at almost every booth.

homeshow2On this day, I really just needed to find a carpenter to repair the door frame on my garage. No dice. There were booths hawking remodeling, renovations, complete construction, but not one sign that said, “no job too small.” There’s a local home improvement company whose advertising slogan actually says, “no job too big, no job too small.” But when I called them several years ago and described my job, the guy on the phone was embarrassed to say to me, “I know, I know what our slogan says, but your job is actually too small.”

homeshow3Having navigated past a half dozen or so Jacuzzi booths, home security stands and a few selling jerky and fudge, a woman came up to us handing us bags with packages of peanut butter crackers and a circular. We accepted them and dragged the little bags around till we got to the last aisle and past the stands selling “mystery sausage” and faux fake jewelry.

Frustrated at not finding someone willing to accept our modest job we decided to see what else was inside the bags of peanut butter crackers. Ha! A carpentry business! Somehow we had missed their actual booth, and no wonder. It was a guy sitting at a card table at the end of an aisle. I walked up to him and smiled. He smiled back. He said “hi young feller!” I thought, “he has no idea I got in on a senior ticket and I’m not telling.” I described my job to him and, well, he didn’t say “too small!” or “are you just busting my chops?” He handed me a business card  said they actually have one guy who does that kind of work and he usually starts those jobs in the spring.  A miracle! The power of peanut butter crackers!  Those are fine, but they give you bad breath and jeez, I really would have appreciated a yard stick. After all, who doesn’t abide by that old home show marketing slogan, “Give ‘em 36 inches, they’ll give you a smile?”

Dream scenes at the auto show

kidsautoshow1jpgLast day of the Detroit auto show and I needed to pop in one more time to shoot a standup for a story for Automotive News. Being a Sunday morning I wanted to get in and out quickly and go on with my day. I was accompanied by my wife who’s not only great company, but very helpful in carrying a light gear bag and hit the “record” button while I did my thing in front of the camera. Yes..one man band, with the help of one very good woman.

From where we entered the show floor, it was a long, diagonal walk to the location I needed in the upper right-hand corner, deep in the FCA stand near one of their concept vehicles. I’d seen all the cars before during my four other trips covering the show and the adult show-goers all looked like one amorphous ski jacket. What caught my attention was what I saw and heard from kids only old enough to be passengers.  One kid breathlessly told his parents, “this stuff is unbelievable!” Another exclaimed, “So, so beautiful!”

kidsautoshow2jpgIn one very expensive car a little girl got cozy behind the steering wheel, touching it lightly, lest the stationary sedan suddenly veered off into the hot roasted almond stand. Perched high in the driver’s seat of a full-size pickup truck a young man whose voice has yet to change affected a confident lean as if, at age 10, he was ready to cruise for chicks in his manly beast.

At one point I could only hear joyful screams and shouts  without seeing the sources of the oral wonder, but there was no doubt the children were imagining what it would be like to actually pilot the mechanical and artistic creations that would provide them with individual mobility and freedom, perhaps a little one-upsmanship among their pals, and yes, horsepower.

While the adults were there considering purchases based on need, budget and perhaps requiting a mid-life crisis, for the kids not yet able to reach the pedals or adequately see over the steering wheel and certainly not old enough to earn a license to drive, it’s all about simple dreams. Oh sure, they have their toys and smartphones and electronic time wasters, but there is no other toy that can provide the sheer joy of getting behind the wheel, firing up the engine, placing your hands on the steering wheel, grabbing the shifter, placing the vehicle in gear… and going wherever the hell you want to go. In time, sweet children, in time.

Photo credit: The Detroit News

When Popeye punched me out of the Greatest Show on Earth

ringlingAs is my pitiful custom, each morning the first thing I do is look out the window to make sure we haven’t been taken over by a life form made of Jell-o, then check my phone for emails from insomniacs and any news bulletins. The coast was clear after my window check and my only emails were junk.. But this morning the news bulletin hit me like a peanut being shot from an elephant’s trunk: The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus announced it’s folding its massive tent after 146 years.

The reason this hit me so hard is because of the time I hit a woman so hard, while I attended the circus, totally by accident. I have been ashamed of this incident for almost 60 years. Here’s how it went down. It was 1957. My father, who never took a day off work, did so on the occasion of taking me to the circus. The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey circus at the old Madison Square Garden. The greatest show on Earth! He shelled out big money at the time, five bucks apiece, for the best seats in the house. He bought me cotton candy. He bought me a program. He bought me peanuts. Then he bought me a Popeye Light–a small flashlight on a lanyard.

popeyelightThis didn’t happen right away. It was only after the ringmaster bellowed that at some point the lights in the arena would be dimmed and that everyone should swing their Popeye lights! It would look amazing. This instantly brought out vendors hawking the tchochkes and I wanted to be part of what would obviously be an amazing, life-changing event. So my dad coughed up another buck and the treasured Popeye light was in my grubby five-year old hands.

Sure enough, a few minutes later as the house lights dimmed, the ringmaster intoned, “OK kids, start swinging your Popeye lights!!” Oh, we did. We swinged and swinged and the thousands of swinging Popeye lights created a wave of illumination that caused your jaws to drop and carmel corn to fall out into your lap. And then my swinging Popeye light hit an obstacle. Whap! My swing lost its arc and slammed right into the head of the woman sitting in front of me. She quickly turned around as she rubbed the noggin I’d just inadvertently bopped and gave me the harshest look. “I’m so sorry!” I cried. But the damage had been done. Thoroughly ashamed and embarrassed and afraid a giant bump would pop out of the woman’s head from the collision with Popeye’s plastic fist, I said to my dad, “I wanna go home!” He was not amused. After all, he gave up a day’s pay and probably a week’s paycheck on all the crap he bought me, including the Popeye light, to take me to the circus. “Edward, don’t worry about it. You didn’t hit her that hard and you apologized. Plus, we’ve only been here 10 minutes,” he said to me. But I was inconsolable. I gamely sat for perhaps another half hour and watched the animals, clowns and acrobats, but I couldn’t take me eyes off that woman I’d accidentally assaulted who was constantly rubbing the spot where Popeye and her cranium ended up in the same place at the same time.

Wracked with guilt I just couldn’t stand it any more and neither could my father who finally agreed to leave. Over the many years that followed every time the circus came to town my father would give me some good natured crap about that and said one day my own kid would find a way to even the score. He was a very smart guy.

Shortly after moving to Michigan in 1989 I took my son to the Ringling Bros. circus at Joe Louis Arena. He was five at the time. Same age I was when I tortured my father. Popeye lights, thankfully, had long passed into kitschy history but I sprung for everything else my son desired. Candy, popcorn, program, great, expensive, seats. You know how this ends. Barely 45 minutes into what was scheduled to be a 2.5 hour show he turned to me and said, “Can we go home?” No, he hadn’t assaulted an audience member as I had innocently done. He was just bored.

I told my father about that. He smiled at me and said, “told ya.”

Biden my time

bidenI was busy shooting a soft little feature on self-driving cars at a backwater display below the main floor at the Detroit Auto Show. Then the text from  the boss came through. “Biden’s in Chevy!” Chevy, as in the Chevrolet stand about a billion footsteps and an escalator ride from my current location. Boom. I schlepped my gear and went as fast as my short little legs would go. Keep that image in mind. It comes into play in a moment.

As I’m running, well, dragging my sorry butt, into Chevy I see….nothing. Crap! Missed the shot. Except I didn’t. A moment later a moving wall of shooters, reporters and security people swarmed into the stand, and I could only assume it was, indeed, the Vice President of the United States, or a special appearance by the current Miss Manifold.

Hopelessly stuck behind taller people, meaning anyone taller than my Lilliputian 5’6″, I got on my tippy toes while raising the camera as high as possible, meaning about nose level for normal human beings.

I get lucky and a former CNN colleague now working for General Motors offered me her spot in the mob and that got me a couple of feet closer, but of course, no taller. But it was enough to get a shot of Biden with a GM exec. Not a great shot, but something. Being a pesky little bastard I worm my way into a better spot and start to shoot..until a security guard steps right in front of my lens. “Excuse me,” I say. “You just blocked my shot.” Well, the SOB takes issue and stands his ground, even moving an inch to make sure I have nothing. I see another guard, not much taller than me who hears my plea, so I appeal to him. “Look, I’m a runt. I’m just trying to do my job.” He laughs. I instantly wish herpes on him.

But then providence intervenes. I take up a spot near a blue Corvette where no one else seemed to be. At once I notice a grey haired blur to my right. Biden’s brushing right up against me as he heads to the ‘Vette. I start rolling. He’s right  there! Money shot! I won’t be short-changed!

 

 

Auto Show Role Reversal, Reversal

badgeI’ve worked every Detroit Auto Show since 1990 for four different employers: CNN, AP, The Detroit News, Chrysler, and its variations. Next week I’ll be back for a fifth. The difference is, for the first time since the 2005 show, I’ll be covering as a journalist once again, for Automotive News, after 11 years indentured as a PR guy for DaimlerChryslerChryslerFiatChryslerAutomobiles, or DCCFCA.

While at the Auburn Hills chameleon I headed the digital communications team, which handled social media, video production, webcasts and broadcast media for DCCFCA’s PR department. Oh, I’m sorry…Corporate Communications. I almost never left our stand, except to grab a mint from the young people just inside the show entrance offering them to obviously foul-breathed writers and flaks. I also hosted a broadcast-only session with our CEO. That was in another room far from the show floor. Soft drinks were available, but no mints. It was a fun job, for the most part but I quickly learned that asking an actual question of your own executives will earn you the same look I imagine Tippi Hendren gave Hartz Mountain birdseed ads. I simply asked a question that was on my mind and that any reporter might ask and got an answer that would make some news. My boss pulled me aside and barked, “Don’t you ever attempt to make news again!” Jeez…old instincts are hard to sublimate.

Well…..for 11 years I had to swallow my curiosity, or at least, not act on it. Not anymore. I retired from DCCFCA at the end of July and took a part-time job at Automotive News on their video news team. They bought me a tiny video camera and associated gear and gave me a list of important executives and analysts to interview…with the hope of making some news. They also told me to take my little camera and blast away at anything that catches my eye and turn it into a story. I’ve been flexing the part of my brain I wasn’t allowed to use for more than a decade to the point of asking anyone I see some sort of challenging question…just to get in shape. Questions like, “How long have you been shorting customers on french fries and skimming the rest for your own pimply self?” Or “I’ve seen you waiting at this bus stop every day for 3 weeks. What’s going on between you and the driver…are you having an a-fare?”

I think I’m ready now. I’ve been doing my homework, boning up for my interviews and I’ve made the mental leap from lobbing softballs to DFFCA execs such as “just how freakin’ great are we?” to firing darts at captains of the auto industry that will make them beg for mercy, or at least decaf coffee.

I’ll be so proud to wear a “Media” credential again and scam all the free food and coffee I can from the press room I was not allowed to enter as a PR guy. I’ll once again worm my way into scrums and lurch through the crowds of writers clawing their way to the automakers’ tables offering swag which will find its place in my basement, or eBay.

Yes, I’m excited to be back in the game again, returning to a profession I dearly missed on the best beat in the world. Now, who’s giving out free cappuccino?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Macy’s and Sears: Nose Sale

macysclosingAll sorts of reasons have been given for two once-great retailers, Sears and Macy’s, closing scores of stores and rolling out the pink slip carpet for tens of thousands of employees. Most of those reasons have to do with changing consumer habits, competition from lower-cost chains and the fact that malls now seem to attract more annoying kids hanging out than actual shoppers buying things.

Here’s my take. All that is nonsense. I think it all comes down to following your nose. I grew up in the New York City borough of Queens, or as Manhattanites would derisively call it, the suburbs. Indoor malls didn’t exist in the early to mid ’60’s so we schlepped from department store to department store. The nearest Macy’s was in the Roosevelt Field shopping center in neighboring Nassau County. The center started as an outdoor mall and was later enclosed. It’s the first department store where, as a nice, Jewish five-year old boy in a bright lemon-yellow sweater, my mother plopped me on Santa’s lap. A couple of times a year, though, we’d venture into Manhattan and enjoy the magnificence of Macy’s flagship on Herald Square–the biggest department store in the world. I especially loved it’s narrow, wooden escalators and hope to catch someone in a pair of spiked heels getting stuck on a tread.

sears-closingNow Sears. We never bought any clothes at a Sears. That was where my dad bought car stuff and hardware. There were big Sears department stores and smaller Sears auto  and hardware centers and we never called them “Sears.” They were always Sears and Roebuck. Less elegant than Macy’s but cool for tools and tires.

What did those stores have in common? Distinctive smells. They were intoxicating for different reasons. Macy’s smelled high-class. Maybe it was the extensive cosmetics department with puffs of perfume being spritzed at any living thing passing through. I always thought there was some sort of “luxury” fragrance they piped through the ventilation system that made the stores smell like a rich guy’s mansion. Whatever it was, when you were in Macy’s you suddenly felt as if your socio-economic status rose with each floor your reached on those old escalators. 

At Sears, the odors were completely different. As you walked in the store you smelled the luscious lubrications coming from the auto center and the pungent, dank smell from the long, stacked racks of tires. I would take in the metallic tang from rows of Craftsman tools and a perceived puff of outdoor freshness from the garden tools, athletic equipment and patio furniture. Sears was hard stuff. Macy’s was soft. I paid no attention to Sears clothes, except for a pair of overalls I bought in 1984 from their catalog.

I can’t imagine this olfactory theory of retail is simply a whiff of imagination. All these years have gone by and those smells remain as fresh as an open can of paint at Sears and the 100 percent cotton of a fine white shirt at Macy’s or the cologne splashed on every inch of the salesman in the men’s department. I would follow those fragrances the way cupcakes fresh out of the oven always led me through the door of our neighborhood bakery. But now the bakeries are mostly gone, and so are distinctive vapors that let you know you were in Sears or Macy’s. They now have the smell of failure. The frigid breezes blowing from the vents, with no shoppers as buffers. Now when I enter a Sears, I’m as likely to find myself among racks of bargain-basement clothing as I am in their shrinking hardware department. What tires they sell are over in some corner of their auto service centers.  At Macy’s what were once gentle perfume puffs are now staffed by aggressive employees who wield atomizers like fire extinguishers. The once courtly captains of haberdashery in the men’s department have given way to quick closers who make you feel like you’re buying a Suburu, not a suit. Their cologne is more akin to pesticide.

Yes, it all stinks now, and for me, at least, it explains in part why so many shoppers have now turned their noses up at these two once distinc-tive chains. 

Processing La-La Land

lalalandWe don’t go to the movies very often but when I stumbled on a story in the New York Times about “La La Land,” I became obsessed with it. I sought out and read everything I could find related to the film and watched the trailer and any other videos that offered interviews with the director, choreographer and stars. I really can’t remember the last, or first time, this happened to me.

You see, I was brought up in New York City where Broadway musicals were as much a part of our family’s life as joining my friends on the corner, or at a bench on the street, quoting “Bye Bye Birdie” or making believe we were Jets or Sharks from “West Side Story.” We didn’t actually attend that many shows, but we certainly owned every cast album and played the grooves off them. To this day I believe I could sing, or at least recite, the words to every song from “Fiddler on the Roof,” to “Cabaret” to “Camelot” to “Funny Girl” and of course, “West Side Story.”

Now there would be a modern musical that takes place in my second favorite town, Los Angeles and tells the story of an aspiring actress getting nowhere fast  and a frustrated jazz musician who clings to tradition, but realizes there’s no money in pining for the past. Of course, they sing a little, dance a little and fall in love, all in beautifully shot scenes. They hit a bump in the road, as happens in all romantic comedies, sing about it, of course, But that’s where things diverge from the usual formula. I’ll stop there since I wouldn’t dare spoil it for anyone yet to see the film. What I will say is you will be left instantly thinking about your life’s choices, opportunities missed, chances taken, honesty and unselfishness and relationships.

I’ve certainly had a crazy career in broadcasting, journalism and corporate communications, but I know I survived all these years by taking chances, saying “yes” first and figuring it out later, never losing confidence in myself and above all, having the constant support of my family. I always taught my kids the word “can’t” doesn’t exist and I live by it. When you say “can’t” you’re really saying “I won’t” which means you never will.

The characters played convincingly by Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling were at crossroads in their lives and careers and had difficult choices to be made, all while singing and dancing. Sometimes our goals need to be altered to reflect reality and our changing priorities. Sometimes our dreams just lead us to other places.

I’m semi-retired now but I still have dreams and goals because every moment represents the future. Why waste it? I just promise not to muck it up by singing and dancing.