In the Garden of Amazon

I can’t help but wonder what would the conversation have been like if Adam found himself alone in the Garden of Eden with Alexa instead of Eve. It might have gone something like this:
Adam: I was expecting a longer-haired, pretty-much naked person with whom I could fool around and maybe make more of me. Who, or what the heck are you? Are you the dude in the sky with the beard and over-confident attitude that dropped me here?
Alexa: No. I am Alexa. Your virtual personal assistant. The “dude” you refer to is a concept. I’m tangible. How can I help you?
Adam: Um…where’s your face? You look like a tin can.
Alexa: I’m sorry. That’s not a question. That’s a snide comment from an obviously lonely, frustrated self-centered male specimen. Besides..tin cans have not yet been invented. Would you like to ask me something else?
Adam: Yes. What’s this bug-infested place we’re in? They’re making me scratch behind my fig leaf.
Alexa: We’re in the Garden of Eden. In the future, a species that will be known as suburbanites will go to places populated by old men in orange aprons and procure supplies for planting and maintaining gardens where they live. They will end up spending a year’s salary to grow vegetables they could buy in the store at a fraction of the price.
Adam: Aside from the fact that I have no idea what aprons, orange, supplies, vegetables or prices are, you paint a pretty damn dire picture. If I’m gonna grow something, how about a woman…or a steak. I’m famished?
Alexa: I will be happy to assist you by contacting the conceptual dude you referred to earlier.
(sound effect….another guy appears)
Adam: Hey Alexa…you screwed up…it’s another guy! I’m not hittin’ that.
Alexa: Relax macho man. His name is Steve. Thousands of years from now the fact that the first two people in the world were Adam and Steve will be a disturbing, yet, deserved comeuppance to close-minded, slack-jawed members of the human race who desire relations with their cousins..and pets
Adam: That’s nice but I’m feeling a special urge and something tells me Steve ain’t gonna do it for me.
Alexa: (sigh) You win.
(sound effect…Eve appears)
Alexa: Happy now?
Adam: Sort of. I mean..it looks like one of my ribs is gone…hurts like hell…I’ve also tried coming on to her..you know..to help add more humans to the planet but all she wants to do is eat. She keeps pointing to a round, red thing hanging from some sticks.
Alexa: That’s what we call a fruit..specifically an apple and it’s hanging from an apple tree. Neither of you should eat that! Only bad things can happen.
Adam: Well thanks for the info and warning but the girl is starving. Oh crap…she just ate that apple thing. What now?
Alexa: You’re screwed. I’m afraid I can no longer assist you. Perhaps try my competitor, Google. I understand they’re working on something called the Noah…although there are fears they’ll catastrophically flood the market.
I turned 65 this week. Paul McCartney didn’t write a song about that. Maybe even the eternally youthful ex-Beatle couldn’t face the DOF age..that’s Designated Old Fart, so he undershot it by one.
On this day, I really just needed to find a carpenter to repair the door frame on my garage. No dice. There were booths hawking remodeling, renovations, complete construction, but not one sign that said, “no job too small.” There’s a local home improvement company whose advertising slogan actually says, “no job too big, no job too small.” But when I called them several years ago and described my job, the guy on the phone was embarrassed to say to me, “I know, I know what our slogan says, but your job is actually too small.”
Having navigated past a half dozen or so Jacuzzi booths, home security stands and a few selling jerky and fudge, a woman came up to us handing us bags with packages of peanut butter crackers and a circular. We accepted them and dragged the little bags around till we got to the last aisle and past the stands selling “mystery sausage” and faux fake jewelry.
Last day of the Detroit auto show and I needed to pop in one more time to shoot a standup for a story for Automotive News. Being a Sunday morning I wanted to get in and out quickly and go on with my day. I was accompanied by my wife who’s not only great company, but very helpful in carrying a light gear bag and hit the “record” button while I did my thing in front of the camera. Yes..one man band, with the help of one very good woman.
In one very expensive car a little girl got cozy behind the steering wheel, touching it lightly, lest the stationary sedan suddenly veered off into the hot roasted almond stand. Perched high in the driver’s seat of a full-size pickup truck a young man whose voice has yet to change affected a confident lean as if, at age 10, he was ready to cruise for chicks in his manly beast.
As is my pitiful custom, each morning the first thing I do is look out the window to make sure we haven’t been taken over by a life form made of Jell-o, then check my phone for emails from insomniacs and any news bulletins. The coast was clear after my window check and my only emails were junk.. But this morning the news bulletin hit me like a peanut being shot from an elephant’s trunk: The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus announced it’s folding its massive tent after 146 years.
This didn’t happen right away. It was only after the ringmaster bellowed that at some point the lights in the arena would be dimmed and that everyone should swing their Popeye lights! It would look amazing. This instantly brought out vendors hawking the tchochkes and I wanted to be part of what would obviously be an amazing, life-changing event. So my dad coughed up another buck and the treasured Popeye light was in my grubby five-year old hands.
I was busy shooting a soft little feature on self-driving cars at a backwater display below the main floor at the Detroit Auto Show. Then the text from the boss came through. “Biden’s in Chevy!” Chevy, as in the Chevrolet stand about a billion footsteps and an escalator ride from my current location. Boom. I schlepped my gear and went as fast as my short little legs would go. Keep that image in mind. It comes into play in a moment.
I’ve worked every Detroit Auto Show since 1990 for four different employers: CNN, AP, The Detroit News, Chrysler, and its variations. Next week I’ll be back for a fifth. The difference is, for the first time since the 2005 show, I’ll be covering as a journalist once again, for Automotive News, after 11 years indentured as a PR guy for DaimlerChryslerChryslerFiatChryslerAutomobiles, or DCCFCA.
All sorts of reasons have been given for two once-great retailers, Sears and Macy’s, closing scores of stores and rolling out the pink slip carpet for tens of thousands of employees. Most of those reasons have to do with changing consumer habits, competition from lower-cost chains and the fact that malls now seem to attract more annoying kids hanging out than actual shoppers buying things.
Now Sears. We never bought any clothes at a Sears. That was where my dad bought car stuff and hardware. There were big Sears department stores and smaller Sears auto
We don’t go to the movies very often but when I stumbled on a story in the New York Times about “La La Land,” I became obsessed with it. I sought out and read everything I could find related to the film and watched the trailer and any other videos that offered interviews with the director, choreographer and stars. I really can’t remember the last, or first time, this happened to me.