Death and Kisses-A Bittersweet Vacation

IMG_0340Just returned from a short vacation to Pennsylvania that combined the celebration of the maker of sweet Kisses, with paying homage to a most bitter event in American history. IMG_0312

Not surprisingly, the crowds at the former far surpassed those at the latter, but then again, at the end of the virtual tour of a Hershey factory you’re handed a free sample–a tiny Hershey bar.
After touring the solemn battlegrounds of Gettysburg, you’re left with bewilderment at the magnitude of death and hatred fellow Americans leveled against each other. In this disgusting election cycle, that philosophical battle is fought between candidates and between their supporters and detractors with lethal vitriol in both social and mainstream media.

IMG_0310In the course of 24 hours and about 40 miles, we visited both the Valley of Death, seen from the summit of Little Round Top where visitors reverently took in the enormity of the horrors that occurred there, and Hershey’s World of Chocolate, where thousands of chocoholics jammed the massive visitor’s center to join the free tour to see how Hershey bars are made, and to buy key rings and earrings and other tchochkes that look like Kisses and Reese’s Pieces.

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Don’t get me wrong. I take no fault at enjoying the kitschy  town that Milton Hershey built and dedicated to celebrating his namesake brand. What’s not fun about chocolate? We enjoyed our visit very much. I think what I appreciated the most, though, was learning that Mr. Hershey, in creating Hershey, PA, did not want it to be just another company town that amounted to little more than a barracks for his workforce, but a living community with services that enriched the lives of his employees and their families. IMG_0330Diverting from the main drag of Chocolate Avenue, with its Hershey Kisses-shaped streetlights for the benefit of tourists, Hershey’s vision is evident with modern schools, recreation areas and beautiful homes and gardens. All financed by the world’s collective sweet tooth. IMG_0302

But it is also heartening to know the crowds in Gettysburg were as ardent in their reverence and curiosity with regard to the pivotal Civil War battle. Sure, you can buy any number of Gettysburg souvenirs and stay at the Gettysburg Battle Field Resort, which bothered me for some reason. Smiling selfies taken overlooking the scene of massacre are regrettably de rigueur for those who just revel in the view and not the scene. IMG_0318

I think of what Union Brig. Gen. Gouverneur K. Warren thought when he stood in about the same spot as this statue of him on Little Round Top and saw the valley undefended against the Confederates. IMG_0309History records he quickly sent a message to the top brass to send in some troops, which they did. But man, that moment could really have benefitted from a quick break…for a Hershey Bar.

 

 

 

 

A Suit of Armor All

Since long before Ponce de Leon made the boneheaded conclusion he could find youth in Florida, man, and woman, have sought the secret to turning back the biological clock to at least Cellulite Saving Time.  While Pitiful Ponce thought the answer spit forth from a fountain and countless others believe all it takes is a surgical nip and tuck, I believe I have found the answer…and it’s been hiding in plain sight since its invention in 1962.

armoralllogoMy discovery came as I endured the annual ritual this morning of de-winterizing our cars, which entails vacuuming, scrubbing the salt from the carpets and of course, Armor All-ing almost every interior surface of the vehicles.

It doesn’t take much. Just a little spritz and the colors of the leather and plastic surfaces suddenly become vivid as if viewed through Timothy Leary’s LSD enhanced eyes. The old Jeep Patriot discovered its long-dormant self-esteem and the rough and tumble Wrangler took on an even more brazen than usual smirk, begging to preen in front of a reflective storefront, or someone driving a Chevy.

A turn of the key brought with it the sound the engine made only miles from having left the showroom all those years ago. As I put each in gear to return them to the garage, I swear they actually skipped.armorallbottle

So what is this Armor All I speak of? This all-purpose elixir of inanimate youth? It turns out an unknown polymer chemist named Joe Palcher conjured up the potion that would one day become the pump bottle of youth.  He found that whatever he tossed together in a bottle would create what he called  a “miracle formula” for protecting rubber, plastic and vinyl from harmful ultraviolet rays.  His friends convinced him to market it and named the stuff “Tri-don” which, spelled backwards, with adjusted hyphenation, spells “No-Dirt.”

A decade later a marketing man bought the rights to “Tri-don” and renamed it “Armor All Protectant” and eventually had it patented. I won’t go into the subsequent history of the company’s business developments because all I’m really interested in is wondering what else this stuff does?

Could you wipe your skin with it and make it shine and tighten wrinkles? Or would you end up looking like a Naugahyde bucket seat sat on by a sick child? Could you mix it with Jack Daniels and seal your digestive tract from impurities? Could you apply it your boss’s stale ideas and make them fresh…for the first time?

Such possibilities! All I know is my cars are humming with youthful vigor, spontaneously switching my satellite radio to the “Testosterone Revving” channel and winking their headlights at sexy Italian sports cars during traffic light stops.

I know I’ll have to eventually re-apply the Armor All but then again, Ponce de Leon always figured he’d have to take a second sip at the fountain.

 

 

 

 

Morley and the Sacred Marriage

saferLast Sunday my eyes teared up as I watch the retrospective of Morley Safer’s career on “60 Minutes” on the occasion of his retirement. Who knew he would pass from the scene only a few days later.  Oh, my verklempt moment had nothing to do with him packing it in after a million years on the air. It had more to do with the perfection of his writing. Marrying his avuncular narration with video, writing short sentences, masterfully using the medium to tell a compelling and memorable story. For any of us who write for television, Safer was one of a very few to whom we could only hope to emulate, and never quite get there.

My tears were also drawn by the realization the art of television writing is becoming a lost one, as stations and networks rely on extemporaneous live reports that escape thoughtful writing and critical editing. Expediency and penny-pinching come with a high cost. Skilled television reporters and writers are being forced onto the street and replaced with so-called “citizen journalists,” bloggers and social media gadflys who may not have had the experience or training, learning the vows of the holy matrimony between words and video, economy of narration, video storytelling. Much too often I see scripts from wannabees and hacks who bang out words having never looked at a frame of video figuring the editor “will find something to cover that line with.”

I learned the hard way. I started my broadcasting career on the radio and eventually migrated to TV. The first time I handed a poorly written script to an editor who saw no relationship between the available video and my words he spat to me, “you realize, asshole, I don’t have one shot that matches what you wrote! Look at the damn video!” Those words have stayed with me to this day and I’ve passed them along to subsequent offenders.

I was blessed during my 20 CNN years to work mainly with one shooter to the point where we knew each other so we would each come up with lines and shots that matched perfectly, always avoiding the dreaded generic “wallpaper” shots that offer no value to the story.

In my capacity as Head of Digital Communications at Fiat Chrysler Automobiles, I’m a constant drumbeat to our video producers to write tight, look at the damn video before writing and make certain pictures and words are in complete lockstep. It’s a continuing battle but one that is in hand.

Which brings me back to the genius of Morley Safer, for whom this marriage was sacred…and one on which he never cheated. The same could be said of the late, wonderful Bruce Morton, whose verbal dexterity was a key driver of my decision to enter broadcast journalism.morton2

Sadly, as the Safers and Mortons pass from the scene, the beautiful art of television journalism is fading from the scene as well…and that brings tears to my eyes.

My Personal Comic Con: Dr. Smith and me

Lucky kids! There was no such thing as Comic Con when I was growing up. The closest thing was when the clown from the local kid’s show sat at a table in a department store and gamely signed 8×10 glossies of himself and let parents take pictures of him with their little darlings who usually marked the moment by deciding the clown’s lap was a good place to dispose of their lunches.

But many years later I scored a meet-up with a true TV sci-fi bad guy and, to say the least, it wasn’t what I expected.

As a kid I was a regular viewer of “Lost in Space.” The stories and effects were cool for that era, but what really kept horny pre-teens like me engaged were the form-fitting outfits worn by the female cast members–especially Angela Cartwright, who had grown up quite nicely since her days as the precocious daughter on “Make Room for Daddy.” Oh, mama!

So while I was on an assignment with CNN in Atlanta and received a call from the national assignment desk that the Showbiz Tonight program needed me to pick up an interview with a “Lost in Space” cast member who was in town, I had thoughts of quality, fantasy time with Ms. Cartwright, or maybe Marta Kristen, the luscious blonde who played Dr. Judy Robinson. No such luck. I was told I was to report to the Marriott Hotel in Gwinnett County, in suburban Atlanta where none other than Jonathan Harris, who played the icky Dr. Zachary Smith would be waiting for me. Just c’mon up to his room. harris2

My crew and I knocked on his door and rather than being greeted by a villainous vulture known for his devious deeds, the man leading us into his suite gave us hugs, big, BIG hellos and appeared less a bad guy than some incarnation of Angela Lansbury.

Dressed in a grey sport coat, silk shirt and ascot, thespian Harris shooed us into the suite with sweeping waves of his elastic arms, wide eyes, arching brows and a mellifluous order to “sit! sit! eat something!” as he pointed to a table full of 15 kinds of danish, bagels, butter, jams and jellies.

We made small talk as the crew set up, but there was no discussion of plot lines or cast trivia. The warm and tender host only wanted to hear of my family and love life and career aspirations. “Oh, silly boy!,” he laughed. “Once that camera rolls you can ask me that nonsense about the show and I promise you I will make up some simply wonderful answers that will make you a hero at the station!”

That’s exactly what happened. I really only had a few questions supplied to me by the Showbiz Tonight people, targeted at whatever angle they had in mind. The interview lasted but a few minutes, but all this time I can’t get over being in a hotel room with the dastardly Dr. Zachary Smith, who turned out to be a pussycat in every sense of the word.johnathanharris

Sadly, there are no photos. Selfies didn’t exist yet since early cell phones were the size of Rhode Island and barely made calls, let along take photos. That’s fine. I will always have that image in my mind’s eye of being lost in amazement at being in a hotel room with the ebullient nice guy who played the bad guy, who was Lost in Space.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fashion Maven, Broadway Baby, Lunch Lady, Perfect Mom

momIn honor of my late mother, Gertrude Garsten, I am posting the eulogy I gave at her funeral December 26, 2007.

What a great Mom! fashion maven, social director, one-time buyer at a NY department store chain, mah jong mentor,  a little bit of yenta, (who isn’t?), political animal, admired school lunch lady, and probably the only one on Earth who could day in and day out, put together an outfit my Dad would agree to wear.

My mother had impeccable taste for almost everything…whether it was fashion, furniture, restaurants, music and theatre , and man, could she smoke out a deal. But most of all, she simply loved people, and wasn’t shy about interacting with them.

It wasn’t unusual to see her try on a top or a skirt and then run an instant “Gert Poll” among unsuspecting fellow shoppers asking their opinion of how the garment looked on her.  Invariably, folks who didn’t know better patronized her fawning over how nicely it looked.  Mom knew what worked and what didn’t.  She quickly cast aside the questionable concensus of her new acolytes, telling them, in her little baby voice….”nooooooooo…that’s not right. OK. Thanks.” …and head for a new fashion gene pool to play in.

Indeed, our Mom was whipsmart who knew what worked and what didn’t in almost every aspect of her long, wonderful life.

Her sense of fashion, trend and design turned our small 2-bedroom garden apartment in New York into something some makeover maven on HGTV would kvell from, pointing out new materials, window treatments, new ideas for the same old rooms. 

She loved working with kids.  Early in her career as a sometimes, but mostly not paid, aide, Mom served with honor as a lunch lady. But not just a lunch lady.  She came in dolled up with her hair freshly set, perfect accessories and makeup applied just so.  When me and my brother Joel’s lunches would accidentally get swapped, Mom swept into the lunchroom, looking luminous.  Kids would say “woo hooo…who’s the hot one?”  It was our mom…the damn greatest looking lunch lady in NY or anywhere else in the tristate area.  After retiring to Florida in 1988, she quickly caught on at a local grade school where she patiently gave her time to help children with tough family lives, catch up to their classmates. She would get so excited and proud when one of the kids she helped got a good grade on a test or assignment.

Above all, she and my dad made a dream team—opposites complementing each other to form a perfect match.  He was introverted with a great sense of humor, she was extroverted, quick with a laugh, reeling in new friends with the ease of someone who just loved to connect with people. Didn’t take but a few minutes before Mom became your best friend—or at least made you feel that way. That’s why they were never at a loss to find travel companions, canasta partners, or just wonderful friends with whom they could share a relaxing meal at a great restaurant or coffee and cake at home.

Our Mom was, as was my dad, unselfish with her time and her attention, especially for her grandchildren and great grandson, David. Their wish was her command.  When she found out my daughter, about 8 at the time,  was interested in this crazy toy from Japan called a Tamagatchi she ran all over town looking for the egg-shaped virtual pet—did she succeed?Of course.

She loved to sing…loudly…around the house in her operatic voice. Mostly show tunes, some standards. Didn’t matter that she didn’t know any of the words. But we knew when she was singing, she was happy. We kind of enjoyed her take on improv.

Even as her health began to fail precipitiously after my did passed away in March, Mom never lost her sense of who she was or the pride she took when the hair, the makeup, the outfit just worked.  So a few weeks ago, during a quick visit, her wonderful aide, Violet let me know Mom needed a little pampering to build back some of her self-esteem.  Over the course of four hours, Mom was the center of attention at the salon—a manicure, a pedicure, a hair styling and a little makeup, the works. She was that hot lunch lady all over again. It was a wonderful day.  It turned out to be the last day I had with her..and what a great day it was—my sweet little Mommy with her freshly coiffed hair, just –so makeup and really bright pink nails.  Was pretty perfect.  Just like her.

Lessons of protest from the late Father Berrigan

berriganLost to some in the tragi-comedy-farce that is the U.S. Presidential race, and the sudden death of music magician Prince, was the death of Father Daniel J. Berrigan. For those of you much younger than my contemporaries, a short history lesson. Father Berrigan, along with his brother Phillip, defiantly, forcefully and demonstrably, led demonstrations and acts of civil disobedience to protest the Vietnam War, racism, capitalism and other social injustice. Perhaps the Berrigan brother’s most enduring image is the burning of Selective Service draft records in Catonsville, MD, for which they were arrested and were among what were known as the Catonsville Nine, tried and convicted for the action. Over the years Father Daniel Berrigan was arrested many more times for standing up for his convictions.

I bring this up not just to remember the late Father Berrigan, but to create a contrast with the protesters we now see demonstrating against Donald Trump and other causes. In this world of quick hits, 140 characters, Snapchat and Facebook, protests are mainly conducted by taps, clicks and swipes. Anything in person is just as ephemeral and utterly without passion. TV cameras gone? So are we. Get arrested? Inconvenienced? Uh, no. Gotta be somewhere else at 7 where I can check in. Where the likes of the Berrigan Brothers had actual followers, today the act of following is as benign as clicking an icon and waiting for updates to pop up on screen.

You can laugh off this comparison by scoffing that I’m an aging Baby Boomer stuck in the 60’s and early 70’s. But what I have found in the workplace and in society, is a paradox, where the older members of the group are much more open to change, risk and invention and they are not shy about vocalizing and acting to make it happen.

I was a freshman in college during the student strike against the Vietnam War in the spring on 1970. We didn’t use that time to screw off. We marched, we protested, history and political science professors at our university gave their time to hold seminars and deliver lectures so we could learn more about the history and roots of the war against which we were protesting. You see, it wasn’t just about hollering and marching and carrying signs. It was about education and self-improvement while standing together for a common cause that we now better understood.

During the first Gulfwar in 1991, as a correspondent for CNN, we covered a class at Michigan State University where students were taught how to protest. We had no lessons. We listened to our hearts and conscience. At an attempted protest again the war, those marching started humming when they forgot the words to “We Shall Overcome.” Somehow, we were able to figure it out, led by those who instilled passion. I suppose today you could just read the lyrics on your smartphone without really knowing what they mean.

Have I come across as a crotchety old fart, lost in time? I don’t care. Father Berrigan died at age 94 and never stopped standing up for what he believed was right and never once concerned about the risks of doing so.

In my life, I’ve taken plenty of crap for coloring outside the lines, especially at work, and despite suffering indignities from co-workers who are cowards, jealous or scared, growing up with brave leaders of dissent like Father Berrigan has given me the strength  and will to always stand up for my beliefs. If you don’t agree…get up and protest.

 

 

 

The King is Dead…That’s All You Have?

kingelvisThe passing of Prince and the strong feeling of loss among his fans reminds of the day Elvis Presley died. I was working morning drive at a 1000-watter in Auburn, New York, about 25 miles west of Syracuse. Each morning our newsman, Rich Stewart, picked me up in his little Datsun pickup truck and we stopped at Mister Donut for fortification before our shift. On that day, August 17, 1977, as I climbed into the truck, Rich didn’t say “good morning.” He said, “did you hear, the King is dead.” Hmm..King Who? King Kong? Sky King? I had no idea. Incredulously he implored me, “the KING! Elvis Presley! He died yesterday!” Oh. While a normal human being might feel sad, all I could think about was what a lousy collection of Elvis records the station had and how I would be inundated with requests.

Sure enough, my phone didn’t stop ringing with Elvis requests. Sure enough, we had only 2 Elvis albums, one of them a Christmas LP. I was told by the program director to play nothing but Elvis. It was gonna be a long 4-hour shift. After the fourth time I played “You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog,” and the seventh time I played “Blue Christmas” the audience rebelled. “Please, for the love of everything sacred in this world, could you play something else?” one caller pleaded. Auburn being a small-ish town of about 40-thousand people, the stores weren’t open yet, which thwarted my idea of sending someone to buy any and all Elvis records they find.  So I was stuck with those two albums and in August, Christmas songs just don’t go over very well, even if they were sung by the now-dead King.

To kill time and avoid repeating the same 20 Elvis songs over and over again I decided to take calls on the air where fans could express their feelings about their idol who died on the toilet seat. I ended up with mostly blubbering spinsters who claimed their lives couldn’t go on without Elvis and they didn’t appreciate me informing them their lives and Elvis’s really never crossed paths, so take a moment to mourn then go bowling .

Those in the business know that DJ’s are very competitive so as my shift mercifully wound to a close I thought it might be helpful to promote the announcer who followed me, and one whom I despised because he and his girlfriend with her very large lips would eat greasy subs then French kiss in the studio. So I dutifully told the audience that Roger K would play nothing but Elvis for the next four hours. Not much French kissing that day for Roger and Big Lips. He was taking it on his double chin from his audience.

Soil-ent Green

Since it’s a sunny day and there’s no snow in Michigan my seasonal alarm clock rang, rousted me out of bed and sent me directly to Home Depot to buy substances in big plastic bags that I must fling to the ground around my house, soak them in then wear a complacent smirk because I am sure the premises surrounding my house will warrant a cover photo in Architectural Digest.

This is a tougher task than it sounds. First on my shopping list is a bag of dirt. Oh, the store calls it “soil” but honestly, it’s just dirt. There’s planting soil, garden soil, organic soil, organic planting soil for the garden, topsoil, potting soil and….soil. I desire dirt with which to plant plants in my garden. What’s the difference between planting soil and garden soil? Oh, about 3 bucks a bag. I saw one bag of organic soil that cost $7.98 for about 25 pounds, and another of planting soil for about 4 bucks.  That $7.98 stuff must be like steroids for stems. The last thing I’d want is to be busted for juicing my geraniums. The 3 buck bag is either half-strength or they’ve mixed in crushed Cheerios like filler in a meatloaf.

happyfrogpottingI was drawn to one pallet that was almost empty.  Maybe 4 bags remained. Consumers aren’t dumb. That pallet held 25 pound bags of…..soil, at a rock bottom $1.79 per. Score. I loaded my cart with dirt cheap dirt.

Regardless of how much I chose to spend for dirt, soil, planting medium, whatever you prefer to call it, my expectations for success would be minimal anyway. Being brought up in the concrete jungle of New York City, the only way you end up with a green thumb is if you stuck it in a jar of pickles in the Carnegie Deli.

When the kids were small, we converted a dog run the previous owners of our house had erected, and turned it into a vegetable garden. I don’t remember what kind of soil we used but it didn’t matter, the radishes, squash and peas we grew all smelled like sheepdog shit.

Right now I’m just hoping that sack of soil I bought for $1.79 will yield a few blades of grass to fill in some bare spots on my lawn. If it works, I may just slap some on my emerging scalp…then they can charge $125 for it and call the dirt, “Hairline Humus.”

 

 

 

It’s “April in the D,” baby..so let’s sing

It was 2010. Fox Sports Detroit ran a contest to write and record an original song to celebrate “April in the D”..the time when the Pistons, Wings and Tigers seasons all intersected. My wife and I cobbled a tune. My colleagues Betty Newman and Holly Hyslop were brave enough to record the song and a quickie videoThe original recording and video were quickly produced and pretty rough in order for us to make the contest deadline and we didn’t win. It was just the 3 of us and my old Fender Stratocaster. But six years later I decided to edit, remix and add a new instrumental open with a new Fender Telecaster, a bass line and drums. Today the Tigers play their first game..in Miami…but now it’s April and all three teams are in the game. Here we go…”April in the D 2016.”

Treating “Low T” at the Home D

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There are any number of reasons to cross the double-wide threshold of a home improvement store. Usually it’s because you need some sort of screw or tool or gardening implement, soil or sump pump.  Here’s the secret “Big Pharma” doesn’t want you to know: guys of a certain age go there to treat what’s politely become known as “low T,” and obtusely defined as “empty tank o’ testoterone.”

My son and I visited a mega-sized such home improvement/Low T treatment center today with absolutely no motivation other than bolstering our manhood. My son is in his 30’s, I’ve reached my 30’s….twice.

Here’s how it works. You start by pulling into the closest parking spot you can so other guys getting out of their pickup trucks think you need to be near the exit to make it easier for you to load that slab of plywood and bags of concrete. They give you that look that says, “way to go, but I’m gonna load enough crap in my pickup bed to build a subdivision.”

Up to the challenge, we walked confidently into the store and made sure the nice guy in the apron asking if we needed to be directed anywhere knew we weren’t some suburban do-it yourselfers, but actual men with actual testosterone.  “Thanks,” I say with my chest filled with pride and pizza, “I’m headin’ for the power tools and I know just where they are.” The guy is in utter awe and I feel my T levels spiking uncontrollably.

powertoolsOf course I don’t go to the power tool aisle, because my “treatment” has many phases, the next being, convincing other guys hoping for rescue from their hormonal sinking ship that I’m the master of my male vessel.  This mean touching and feeling and making up fake stuff to say within earshot of the untreatable. Here’s how it goes down. You strut up to the plumbing stuff and grab the biggest monkey wrench you can and hold it and look at it and say out loud, “Hell, I hope this giant monkey wrench is up to a master plumber like me using it, because pipes fear me when I start twisting and I can’t have my tool bending under pressure.” That gets the attention of the High T wannabees who admit immediate defeat by skulking off to the housewares department and meekly fondle storage bins. That ain’t gonna cut it, ya sissy.

screwsnailsPhase two involves impressing the apron guy watching over the screws and nails. “Help you?” he asks while his fingers are crossed deep in his apron pocket because he just wants to go on his break. “Yeah, thanks,” I say, dashing his hopes. “I need a dozen two penny nails, 14 six penny nails, 2 screws with left-hand threads and a bolt as wide as a Slim Jim.” The guy is both impressed and intimidated and calls over a supervisor who tells me they don’t carry any of those things, which is a trade secret for blowing off obnoxious customers. Even so, I’ve made my point and I’ve never felt more like a man.

The final phase is eavesdropping on another customer’s quandry and acting like you can help. Hapless guy in flannel is agonizing over whether to use a washer or O-ring and discusses such with his wife. You decide to end the guy’s pain, walk over and say, “I couldn’t help overhearing your discussion. Always, ALWAYS, go with the O-ring. You’ll be glad you did. They never fail…except maybe on the Challenger. Sad.” The guy is grateful, his wife wants to run off with you and you’re walking out the exit having spent nothing but time with more T than a scrumming rugby squad.”